The Nutcracker, In The Eyes of The Slayers!
by Darkened Elf
Summary: What do you get when you put a Slayers fan in a room, on the phone with another Slayers fan, and have both of them watch The Nutcracker ballet? While having just talking about Slayers for sevral hours straight? Something very, very, very messed up(R&R!)
1. Introduction

The Nutcracker, in the Eyes of the Slayers  
  
  
  
The Cast:  
  
Marie: Lina Inverse  
  
Nutcracker: Gourry  
  
Uncle: Xelloss!!  
  
Ballerina who dances more than Marie: Your Beloved Authoress, Darkened Elf!  
  
Ballet... man who dances more than the Nutcracker: Zel! ((A/N: Can you tell I'm a Zel fan girl?))  
  
Rat King: Shabby!  
  
Fritz: Zangy  
  
Nanny: Martina  
  
Flowers: Amelia, Mimi, Nene, Eris, Jeffrey, Kira,  
  
Toys: Filia, Ashford, The authoresses' dear friend who doesn't wish to be in the story, Abrian! Val, Sylphiel, Phil  
  
Mice: Zelas, Dynast, Dolphin, Phibby, and Garv! Not to mention Rezo.  
  
Narrator: Naga  
  
  
  
Lina: No way! The authoress got a bigger part than ME!? The Main Character of the show!?!  
  
Zelgadis: *sighs and grabs some coffee* At least you don't dance with her...  
  
Darkened Elf: WHAT WAS THAT!?  
  
Zel: Nothing ^-^;  
  
Abrian: Nuuuuuuu!!! I have to have the feet!! They move so fast, but THEY DON'T GO ANYWHERE!!! The rotation!! *Whimpers and curls into a ball, muttering things about shiny, rotation, lederhosen, and 'the green thing'*  
  
Darkened Elf: *sighs* this is gong to be a LOOOONG play...  
  
Shabby: I refuse to be in this!  
  
Darkened Elf: But you get to be the main villain!  
  
Shabby: NO!  
  
Darkened Elf: Too bad, Shabby-kun, ^. ~ T'is my play, so you have to be whoever I say! Just feel lucky that you're playing a semi-minor part.  
  
Amelia: Ano... Darkened Elf-san? Why can't I be the one who dances with Zelgadis?  
  
Darkened Elf: Because I have problems with you.  
  
Amelia: *grumbles and goes off, muttering about Justice*  
  
Darkened Elf: *Coughs* and now, on to the story! This shall be in another chapter: P 


	2. The Gifts

Chapter 1: The Gifts  
  
Naga the White Serpent clears her throat, before beginning:  
  
"Once, there lived two kids, named Za-"  
  
A heavy wooden object stuck the 'sorceress' squarely in the back of her head, and she jiggled more than should really happen, but hey, this IS Naga.  
  
"Fine, fine, FRITZ, and his sister MARIE! Happy?..."  
  
There came a noise that sounded like "Yes" from backstage, and Naga scowled, going back to her narrating.  
  
"Anyways, these two brats couldn't wait for Christmas... Like I said: brats! Anyways, so they were up, waiting for their one-eyed, crazy old uncle to come so they could open their gifts. And this is where we begin..."  
  
Lina stormed onstage, Zangy trying to stick to the script as much as he could.  
  
"You steal my slipper again and I swear, I'll Dragon Slave you so hard you'll wish you were in... Wherever it is you live!" She screamed, grabbing her slipper away from her 'bother' and beating him over the head, before putting the slipper back on.  
  
"I was just doing what I was supposed to do" He whimpered, rubbing his head.  
  
"Yeah, well next time I may not be so nice about letting you off the hook, creepy-sword-boy!!"  
  
"Creepy? At least I'M not flat chested, you pathetic excuse for a sorceress!"  
  
"Oh that's it! It's on, now!" She screamed, Fireballing half the stage.  
  
"*AHEM* the children refused to go to bed, until their Uncle came, and gave them even MORE gifts, even though they SHOULD be getting them in the morning, but whatever..."  
  
"If that baka priest doesn't get here soon, I swear..."  
  
"Speaking of me, Lina-san?" Xelloss said cheerily, phasing in beside Lina, proceeding to scare the living daylights out of the Sorceress.  
  
"JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN GIFT SO WE CAN CONTINUE WITH THIS STORY!" Lina screamed, some of the set falling over.  
  
Xelloss sweatdropped, handing Zangy a box of toy soldiers, and Lina a Chibi Gourry plushie.  
  
Lina sweatdropped "Um... Xelloss?..... Shouldn't this be a Nutcracker?..." 


	3. The Battle

Chapter 2: The Battle  
  
"A couple hours passed," began Naga, to the remaining audience (a number having already left, for fear of their lives) "And Fritz broke the plus... I mean, Nutcracker, and Xelloss had to give Marie a new one. Luckily, the first one had a miniature Sword of Light it in."  
  
Some noise like "YAHOOOOO!" is heard from backstage.  
  
Naga clears her throat openly, glaring at the curtain, "ANYWAYS, later that night, Fritz and Marie were trying to sleep, and this is where our chapter begins...."  
  
Zelas wandered onstage, a dark cloud floating above her head, Mouse ears pinned in her hair. She was grumbling curse words, and swearing she'd sue..  
  
Lina slept (Big surprise there.)  
  
Zelas sighed "Oh gee, look there. The girl who has the Nutcracker... C'mon, my fellow mice, let us disturb her peaceful slumber"  
  
"Are you INSANE!?!" Garv could be heard screaming "I AM NOT WEARING THIS STUPID COSTUME!!"  
  
"Just go! It's our entrance!!" Dolphin growled at him, shoving him into the light.  
  
Phibby snickered, "Awwwwwww."  
  
Garv glared "You watch it, kiddo!"  
  
"Kiddo? For that one I should break your soul orb!"  
  
"Oh shut up, the both of you!" Dynast growled, smacking them upside their heads, trying to avoid the spotlight...  
  
"Whatever. Let's just kill Lina and get this over with, alright?!"  
  
"Yeah, okay" Zelas shrugged, not really objecting to the idea.  
  
And with that, the five demon lords began powering up their attacks, when much to their surprise...  
  
"DRAGON SLAVE!!!!" Lina screamed, jumping out of bed, attacking the Mazoku with a ferocity that she REALLY shouldn't have for a supposed-to-be- sleeping-girl.  
  
Dolphin slammed into the side of the stage, and began bawling (She's insane, she can do whatever she wants :P) for her 'daddy.'  
  
"Daddy?......." Lina whispered, twitching.  
  
"DAAAADDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!" Dolphin kept bawling, getting dirty looks from her siblings.  
  
Zelas twitched, for once wishing that she'd never tormented her sister so..... Nah.  
  
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Shabby growled from offstage, refusing to come on.  
  
Darkened Elf gave him a little incentive (IE: Either you get out there, or I let Lina just destroy you back here and you don't get a fight scene!) and Shabby begrudgingly toddled onstage.  
  
Garv snorted, Phibby was holding his sides with laughter, Dynast was trying to keep his calm air about him, but that wasn't going well, Dolphin stopped crying and began to cackle, and Zelas sweatdropped, snickering softly.  
  
"SHUT UP!" Screamed the Dark Lord in tights, trying to hide in the cape he'd been given...  
  
"Daddy's lost his marbles!" Dolphin giggled, and glanced at Phibby, who frowned at the joke.  
  
"He's lost his MIND, Dolphin; I have the marbles, remember?"  
  
"Oh, that's right.... Can I have a pretty gold one? Please?"  
  
"...No..."  
  
"GIVE ME A SHINY MARBLE!!!!" She screeched, glowering.  
  
Zelas handed Dolphin a blue marble from the set, which quieted her immediately.  
  
Lina twitched a few times, and pulled out that mini Sword of Light, chanting in an undertone.  
  
"Hang on, hang on!" Abrian called out; tossing a script into Lina's hands "It says you're supposed to kill him with a shoe! I never really got that part, because he's supposed to have seven heads, and one little blow to one of those heads kills him, but hey.. Who'm I to judge?... Strike that, I have perfect right to judge!"  
  
"S'not your ficcie, Abri-kun," Darkened Elf sighed, duct taping Abrian's mouth closed, putting her in a closet until it was her part.  
  
Shabby sighed, "Can't I just play dead?" he asked Lina, twitching, not really wanting to die again.  
  
"...Yeah, yeah, okay" She grinned, beating him over the head repeatedly with a shoe bigger than she was.  
  
The demon lords snuck offstage, not liking the idea of getting beaten with a shoe...  
  
Gourry poked his head up from behind Lina's bed once she'd thrown Shabby offstage "Um, Lina?"  
  
"Yeah?" She grinned, polishing the now regular sized Sword of Light.  
  
"Wasn't I supposed to protect you, and help you battle?..." He blinked curiously.  
  
"..." She blinked as well "Umm... Oops?... Whatever, can we just go to the Land of Toys already?"  
  
"Do they have food there?"  
  
"Idiot, you're FROM there! Why WOULDN'T they if you live there?!"  
  
"Good question."  
  
"And with that," spoke Naga, wishing she had a bigger part "They exited, stage left, for the Land of Toys. Oh. Joy."  
  
((A/N: I know this isn't the best story, and I know I'm really, really strange, but hey.. And yeah, the others ARE going to have bigger parts soon ^.^ \\V// Ja ne!)) 


	4. Into the Land of Toys

Chapter 3: Into the Land of Toys.  
  
Backstage:  
  
"Gaaah, this is so stupid! I can't believe I let some authoress talk me into this!" Lina grumbled, slouching against a wall.  
  
"Believe it" Darkened Elf said cheerfully, patting the sorceress' head.  
  
"But I play the part of a little girl!!!" Lina whined.  
  
"You certainly have the bust for it" Xelloss grinned, prodding her chest lightly with his staff.  
  
"ARGH!!!! DIE!!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, proceeding to pummel the Priest into a little purple smear on the ground.  
  
"Hey!!! If you ruin his costume, Lina, I swear..." Darkened Elf growled, grabbing her by the ear.  
  
"Thanks for your concern" mumbled the smear.  
  
"Any time, Xelly" winked the authoress.  
  
Shabby sat in a corner and growled something about wanting his lawyer, trying to cut his way out of the steal-reinforced tights.  
  
The Mazoku lords were plotting revenge, while Dolphin sang to the tune of Jingle Bells, and all of the lyrics were 'Fishy' 'Fish' or 'Fi-Fi-Fishy!'  
  
Gaav smacked his little sister upside the head.  
  
"FISHY!!!" Dolphin screamed angrily, launching herself at her brother.  
  
They went down, and a smoke cloud battle ensued.  
  
Darkened Elf glanced over, but decided it was too funny to end.  
  
Zelgadis sipped the coffee he'd been given to keep quiet, scowling at the world.  
  
Amelia walked over to him "Zelgadis-san?"  
  
"Go away" He twitched.  
  
Amelia looked hurt, but did so.  
  
It wasn't that the Princess annoyed him terribly; it's just that he didn't want ANYONE to be around him... And the authoress had serious problems with the Princess of Seyruun.  
  
Naga poked her head backstage "You guys, curtain time!"  
  
Gourry grinned, having fun, grabbing Lina's arm so they could get to their places.  
  
Darkened Elf found a comfortable seat, and proceeded to don her toe shoes, wishing she'd had more ballet lessons... Oh well, too late now.  
  
Onstage:  
  
Naga cleared her throat, and then began.  
  
"After our heroes had found their way to the land of Toys, they were greeted with song and dance from the inhabitants"  
  
And with those words, the cast of toys danced on, one by one.  
  
Filia was in the lead, with Chibi Val behind her, blushing furiously at the costume he was in. Sylphiel gracefully followed, with Abrian behind her, whimpering for a moment. Ashford and Price Phil ended the procession, both wearing a sweatdrop.  
  
Backstage, Zel shuddered at the mention of Ashford.  
  
They began their graceful dance around Lina and Gourry, who just sat in their chairs like they were supposed to.  
  
Abrian suddenly stopped dancing, and sat on the ground, twitching "THE FEET! THE ROTATION! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!"  
  
The 'toys' sweatdropped, and picked Abrian up, dancing offstage.  
  
"NUUUUUUU!!!! THE FEET! THEY MOVE SO FAST BUT THE PEOPLE ARE GOING SO SLOWLY!!!" Abrian could be heard screaming, before she began screaming "SHINY!!! IT'S COMING!! AND THE GREEN, THE GREEN!!!!!"  
  
((A/N: These are references to a Sailor Moon musical she watched, in which Sailor Uranus (in her human form of Haruka) wore a blinding, shiny blue suit. ^.^ And 'green' is speaking of Michiru, her most hated Senshi.))  
  
Naga scowled, twitching "And to think we still have several more acts to get through...." She sighed, and began her new speech.  
  
((A/N: Yeah, this is so messed up... And yes, I know I should be putting Disclaimers on these, so...  
  
I DO NOT OWN THE SLAYERS OR THE NUTCRACKER; I'M JUST A PERSON WITH PROBLEMS! ^.~ Happy? This goes for all the chapters ^.~)) 


End file.
